Not that I don't have anything to say... It's quite the opposite... I have so many thoughts and emotions and fears and anxieties and excitement of what tomorrow and the next days/weeks brings that I have thought of a thousand different blog posts and drafted up many, but I just can't filter it all out to make any sense or grammatical correctness. And I still can't! But I documented so many of my feelings when I was pregnant with Grayson, I know that I'd be disappointed later if I didn't get it all out this time around. So... I'm just going to start typing anything that's floating around in my head... It might be one long run-on sentence, so bare with me! ;)
This time around has been so very different. More uncomfortable, more tired, lots more pain... but not just the physical things. I remember being so excited and anxious about becoming a mom. We were finishing seminary and had a lot of unknowns ahead of us, but I felt completely prepared for bringing a baby home to our little apartment. This time, I don't feel that prepared! We are settled with a great church home and jobs, home owners and a nursery - but over and over I keep telling Tony how "not ready" we are.... I keep feeling ill-prepared and I don't know why or how to shake it! This is my second kid - I should feel like I know what I'm doing a little bit more this time around. We have a bigger support system here than we did before and I am SO thankful for all that God has and is doing in our lives the last 2.5 years. 
I had no idea being a mom of a boy could be so amazing! I didn't know it could pull at my heartstrings so much or how emotional it would be. Grayson has turned my world and my heart upside down! I had (have) such a close relationship with my mom. She is my best friend. When I was pregnant with G (before I knew it was a boy) I hoped and envisioned for a little girl. I wanted such a close relationship with my child, and had no idea a little boy could fulfill it. Now I'm having a little girl and I'm so nervous! How will it change my relationship with Grayson? Will she be a daddy's girl and want nothing to do with me? I want so badly to have the same relationship with her as I do my mom, I'm nervous of the expectation I'm putting on it. I don't want Grayson to feel left out or any less because of her arrival. As much as I fear that she won't be as close to me as G is, I cannot wait to see Tony get to be a daddy to a little princess! I anticipate how much his heart will change with a little girl as mine did a little boy. I anticipate a stronger bond for my boys as I have to tend to a baby a little more. I'm excited and fearful and a little sad (all at once) that this time around I'm going back to a job after a few short months. So thankful to have a job and position that I love to make leaving my baby worth while... and at the same time sad that I won't have that time home with her as I did with Grayson. With all that's happened with Grayson and daycares I'm nervous and anxious about finding care for Olivia. Praying to God that He will send the right person for us to welcome into our home to care for our baby to many hours a day. 
And then I have moments of just pure excitement and joy! After a brief moment that I wasn't sure we'd get to expand our family, I am overjoyed and overwhelmed that God is allowing me to have a daughter. Every time I use type or say "daughter" I'm a little giddy with excitement that I get to have one. All the frills and bows and girlyness, of course, but that part of me that is ever so passionate about girls and their worth and beauty is excited to share that with my own. That God is allowing Tony and me to raise a man of God, strong and bold in his faith; and a daughter of the King, worthy and priceless. O, that He would enable us to raise our children up in His ways and use us for His Kingdom.
.... So that was all the jumbled mess that's been floating around this last month not allowing the words to write a post. Sorry for the word and emotions explosion. ;)
Last night was my last night to put Grayson to bed and cuddle with him as an only child. Tonight he is spending the night at a friends as we have to be at the hospital at 5am tomorrow. And after my c-section I'll be limited from the stairs for a little while and won't be putting him to bed for a week or two. I won't lie, I've been a little weepy about it. More emotional than I expected about how limited I'll be with him and how much I'll miss him the next few days. But come tomorrow we will be a family of four... and as many momma friends have told me - my heart will expand to love this new little one just as much as Grayson. He already loves her and I pray for an easy transition for him and us. Please be praying with and for us. Thank you all for your support and love!
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